Booty: The Captain Strikes Again

This post is actually full of completely unrelated items that I feel like sharing with the Brethren. Because you are the coolest people I know. And besides, it’s my ship.


That out of the way, I was recently rewatching my new favorite episode of “Deadliest Warrior” on Spike TV (narrowly edging out the glorious Sun Tzu vs. Vlad the Impaler). This is the one where my favorite Saint, the delightfully spunky Jeanne d’Arc (Joan of Arc to you Anglais), kicks Norman butt on William the Conqueror (aka “the Bastard”). How does that feel, Viking boy? Anyway, click here to see the panel discussing the battle in detail as it appears that the full episode is not yet available online.

While I enjoyed the splendor that is a seventeen year old peasant girl wreaking havoc on a seasoned veteran of Medieval warfare, a commercial break interrupted my reverie. But hark, what is this? Why, it’s our old friend Captain Morgan.

There he is, waking up in his hammock with a lady friend – who isn’t so easily roused – at his side. Up on deck he climbs to find his ship threatened by a Spanish galleon. But the sly Captain has a plan. Out the handy plank he walks, as if he were the captive and not the leader of this rabble, and then a silent pause. The Captain effortlessly manages a perfectly executed forward double right into the briny deep and the Spanish give him a nice round of applause. He is welcomed aboard the galleon and pirate and Spaniard share a tot of Captain Morgan’s rum. Good times! Finally the “new” slogan: “To Life, Love and Loot!”

Here is the (almost) full commercial on YouTube. Though I could go on, I’ll just say that I have no earthly desire to ever see the real Henry Morgan in anything close to that state of undress, thank you very much. You can’t ever beat pirate-centric fun, though.

And, on a completely unrelated note, if anyone has any curiosity about what Pauline might write other than seafaring tales and piratical stories, I’m happy to share. Find my entry to 49 Writing Center’s “Ode to a Dead Salmon Bad Writing Contest” entitled The Horror: A Tale of Dismemberment at their website. If you like it, consider stopping by again when voting for the contest opens.

Happy Friday, Brethren. Whether you’re inspired by St. Jeanne, Captain Morgan, Edgar A. Poe or just anyone, get out there and kick some butt!

Header: Joan of Arc Win sticker via Get Glue Stickers

Movies: Rum On TV

Just to clarify before we start, Triple P doesn’t really have a “TV” title so we’re stuck with Movies.

I had an informative piece all thought out for today and, as I settled in last night to do a bit of research for same, all that changed. My habit on Tuesdays, nay indeed my chiseled-in-stone must do, is to watch “Dirty Jobs” on the Discovery Channel. I don’t watch episodic TV at all and, aside from football during the season, I don’t really have any shows I just can’t miss (although “Deadliest Warrior” on Spike might actually be one if I’m honest). That said, I don’t miss Mike Rowe on “Dirty Jobs”. So imagine my surprise – and delight – when last night’s episode was all about making rum.

And not just any rum, Brethren, but a rum named after the infamous “Rhode Island Pirate” Thomas Tew. The label features Tew’s menacing flag (above) and the rum’s manufacturer, Newport Distilling Company, is itself in Rhode Island. Find out more about them at their website.

Of course there were many an off-handed reference to pirates and piracy but what struck me the most was Mike and his crew’s willingness to drink like pirates. The company also runs Coastal Extreme Brewing Company and Mike and his colleagues sampled their Newport Storm Beer to kick off the morning. Sure, it was 8:30 in Rhode Island but damned if the sun’s not over the yardarm somewhere, mate. This was all done under the auspices of a specific brewer’s privilege which evidently dates back to Colonial times and whose name Mike mentioned more than once but your humble hostess didn’t bother to write down. Leave me a comment if you know what it’s called; I’ll make a note of it.

Update: Triple P's good friend Timmy! tells us the right to drink beer while working at a brewery is known as "The Sternewirth Privilege", so now we know. Thankee, Timmy!

At any rate, as the day wore on Mike began sampling the rum and became – for lack of a better phrase – a very happy pirate. Of interest to pirates of the New World, though, is the fact that the folks at Newport Distilling Company are bringing back an old tradition of rum making in Rhode Island. In the last half of the 18th century Rhode Island could count over 20 rum distilleries within its boarders at any given time. Thomas Tew is hand crafted, made with molasses and aged on site in oak barrels just like the kind of rum its namesake pirate would have been accustomed to. While Thomas Tew rum is not currently available outside of its home state, the company hopes to change that within the next couple of years.

Here are four videos from the show over at Discovery’s website (the "Alcohol Pop Quiz" is particularly funny). Waste a few minutes today watching the way rum used to be made, and then raise a tankard to our ancestors and those who are keeping the old ways alive, by land and at sea. Oh and raise one to Mike and his crew as well. They’re clearly good and game lads one and all.

Tools Of The Trade: Something To Grapple With

The ominous looking tool pictured above is a modern version of a grapnel or grappling hook. It has a certain menace about it, even though it's original purpose aboard ship was relatively mundane. As a grapnel, the thing is a form of kedge or anchor for small boats such as a launch. With it's backward pointed spikes, it is easy to imagine how the grapnel would catch on the sea floor or some other likely object (a rock, seaweed, etc.) and hold a vessel in place. A ring at the end of the grapnel would hold a rope, cable or chain and your launch would be quite secure until it was time to move on.

As early as the time of Hannibal and the Carthaginian wars with Rome, navies and pirates began using the grapnel for another purpose. As a grappling (or grapling) hook, the devise was used to "grapple" an enemy ship, bringing them close enough for boarding. In this capacity, the hooks were given spikes and the rope was shortened and attached to the yard-arms of the attacking ship. Sometimes, small grapnels could be shot from guns.

The grapnel was also used to hook a disabled ship for the purpose of towing her. This was particularly useful in the case of a ship on fire, where a very long cable could be utilized to keep the rescuing ship out of harm's way.

Finally, in a pinch a grappling hook could be used as a weapon. As witnessed on the Somali Pirate vs Medellin Cartel version of Spike TV's Deadliest Warrior, the grappling hook, though indelicate at best and certainly unwieldy, can cut up a pig carcass something awful. I'll stick to my cutlass, though, and save the grappling hook for boardings.

Movies: Nice And Messy

Spike TV, the channel that brought you "Whacked Out Sports" and Pamela Anderson as an animated crime fighting stripper, brings us the "historical accuracy of battle" with it's series "Deadliest Warrior". (Yes, I know the title says movies and technically we're talking about TV here but you can now rent season one on Netflix and I think that counts for something.) Look at the abs!

The whole point of "Deadliest Warrior" is to round up "experts" and have them throw around the weapons of various legendary fighting men while thumping their chests about how awesome their guy was and what a pansy their opponent must have been. Afterwards, a doctor comes in and tells you how very gruesome the damage to the ballistics gel dummy or pig carcass is. At the end a computer takes over and generates 1000 theoretical meetings of the two warriors to determine who would win in "real life". The match ups are right out of an historian's fever dream: Spartan vs Ninja, Samaria vs Gladiator, Viet Cong vs Nazi SS, etc. It's crazy good guy stuff all around.

Last night, seemingly out of the blue, Spike served up "pirate night" with two pirate-centric "Deadliest Warriors" back to back. Though I watched them both, I'm only going to discuss the first one here - Pirate vs Knight. The second one - Medellin Cartel vs Somali Pirate - seems more like a terrorist skirmish than a meeting of warriors so we'll just reveal the outcome to that one (spoiler alert!). But first, the Caribbean Freebooter meets the French Soldier of God.

The pirate in question is your classic Jack Sparrow-y pirate of the Caribbean right down to his buckled shoes, Louis XIV-esque coat and tricorn hat. He is also the cleanest pirate you will ever meet this side of Jean Laffite. He is referred to by the experts representing him as a trained naval specialist, warrior and go-getter of the first order. We are told that the 18th century pirate is the equivalent of a modern Delta Force soldier. He's an expert in shock and awe and he would like nothing better than to kick the snot out of a sissy boy knight and take his candy from him.

The knight, on the other hand, is from 15th century France. Sealed in plate armor he is unrecognizable under his thick helm. His armor shines in the sun and never a dent is seen. The experts on his side make sure we are aware that he is of the nobility, highly trained and fighting for honor and God. He is the Green Beret of his era. In reference to his opponent, he might as well be going up against a rat. Pirates are just the sort of godless vermin a knight would love to wipe the floor with.

Now that the initial insults have been exchanged, it's time to trot out the weaponry. On the knight's side we have: the morning star (that club with a spiked ball-and-chain dangling from it), plate armor, the crossbow, the halberd (a lance with a pike and axehead at the end) and the broadsword. For the pirate: the grenado (filled with shot, nails and black powder), the flintlock pistol, the blunderbuss, the cutlass and the boarding axe. Yes, Brethren, many a pig carcass suffered mightily in the ensuing tests.

Although at the outset the experts make a show of the fact that "pirates love things that go boom", the whole issue of superior technology in the form of guns is downplayed in favor of the knight's impenetrable metal skin. At no point - other than one very quick mention - does anyone point out that the reason the era of knights in shining armor passed into oblivion was black powder weapons. There is also never any talk about the knight's inherent immobility and his helmet's overt restriction of visibility. It's all about the armor, baby!

Then we are treated to actors performing the results of the computer generated battles. The pirate is stabbed, quarrelled (in the thigh - ouch!) and generally knocked about but, lo and behold, shooting the knight directly in the face with that flintlock seems to do the trick. The computer, evidently, saw all the things the experts didn't. The pirate prevailed in a surprisingly high 63% of one-on-one battles.

See the entire conflagration for yourself on the Season 1 DVD of "Deadliest Warrior" which, as noted, is now available. Or check it out at the "Deadliest Warrior" webpage. It's good fun for the most part. I just couldn't help feeling a little smug when they revealed that the pirate won. On the other hand, I was surprised to see the Somali pirate best the Medellin Cartel, although by a much slimmer margin of 53%. Maybe it was the AK47 and the rocket launcher? Who can say.